do you remember me? i don't remember you.
05.05.05 @ 6:22 p.m.
Dear Fate:
WHAT THE HELL? SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL? Why are you doing this to me? What am I supposed to be getting from this?
(I suppose I don't seem like someone who is something of a believer in fate or at least underlying meaning in things, while not believing necessarily in a deity or anything like that. I also half-believe in reincarnation, or at least I'd like to when I read and hear lovely things about people finding each other across lifetimes. I am a sappy romantic, really.)
So for reasons ultimately unknown to me, I am always seeking meaning in what is probably coincidence, but who knows? Things coincide. Today I caught the bus to school instead of my usual last minute drive before noon with plans to write my response paper in the computer lab. I came out of the Street Faire and turned to go down into the ampitheater, listening to Pete Townshend (Psychoderelict [Music Only], an album I deeply, deeply love and manages to move me to the point where I generally walk around with an idiot grin on my face due to the SHEER JOY that comes from listening) and who do I cross paths with?
Why, the Who Boy, of course, and his probable-girlfriend.
PAIN. ANGUISH. Still grinning like an idiot, though, because of the music. And not really pain and anguish, but the more I thought about it, the more I started, well, thinking about him again and questioning what is going on in my world and what I'm supposed to be doing about it. Three times in this school year I've seen him, two of which were in the last month or so.
Deep down, I wonder if he recognizes me, how much of it exists only in my head, all that. Like, I kind of wonder if I imagined that one time I swear one of his friends paused and looked at the name on my paper when we had class together. I might have totally imagined it, but wouldn't it be nice if he knew I was Ellen as much as I know that he is Nick?
(I am not actually creepy, I'm sorry. It sure sounds like it, doesn't it? But I've had nothing else to think about all day. He's just a handsome (to me) boy I see in scenes of odd coincidence and I have the remains of a crush on him. I see other people from early in college whom I don't crush on, namely a young man who writes for the school paper I have previously referred to as Stupid Pedant based on idiotish things he has said in classes (the same class I had with the Who Boy, interestingly enough) and the first year in the dorms. I watched Repo Man in the lounge with Stupid Pedant once, because I love Repo Man, partly because it is a Michael Nesmith Production and has a bit from Elephant Parts in the background.)
I fixate.
This is probably not good but I don't know what to do about it, and since I'm not actually stalking anyone, I don't see harm to anything beyond my own psyche.
Ugh. Headache. I think I want a short nap before Survivor time.
EDIT: 9:20 p.m.:
I love Ian from Survivor and want to have his babies.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
