i'm a believer
05.13.04 @ 1:32 p.m.
Billy died today and I'm a wreck, not so much for the dog, though I loved him a lot, but for the sheer and utter heartbreak in my dad's voice when he called to tell me.
If I had a car and a driver's license, I'd drive up there right now, right this second to be with him. But I can't, and the inability to help is one of the most painful things about it. I want to be with my dad, I want to be there to comfort him, because I know Grandma can't be any help right now. I don't know if anyone understands how much that dog means to him... meant to him as well as I do. "That dog was my life," he said on the phone. I know it was, and I wish I knew something that could make it less awful for him. We don't even have any of his puppies, though there are some out there. He had a pick that he sold right away. We have his brother, and with any luck, the recent breeding my dad went up to Tacoma for was successful.
That dog was my dad's come-from-behind triumph. He was my dad's pride and joy. Just a few weeks ago he got his OFA hip certification: Excellent. He was in every way the perfect dog and so FUCKING CLOSE to being a champion.
It's not fair, is just isn't fair. My dad deserved this dog, he deserved this little victory. And now that one thing that had reinvigorated my dad's love for his chosen career is gone and what are we going to do? What can we do?
I keep stopping to break into tiny sobs. I just can't comprehend that he's gone. I would give anything to be there right now. To be able to just be by my dad, sit with him while he digs Billy's grave, which must be what he's doing now. As stupid as this sounds, I need a hug. And I think he does, too.
"Sorry if I ruined your day," he said. And I don't know how he could say such a thing, except that he hurts so much and I know he knows that other people probably won't understand just how hard this is.
I'm going to dehydrate with all this crying.
Hidden Forest's I'm A Believer
I'm so sorry, boy. I love you. You'll be sorely missed by everyone who knew you.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
