the world likes to toy with ellen
10.06.03 @ 12:03 p.m.
Okay. Here's the thing: I make deals with myself and/or fate, and I usually follow through with them. But now I don't know what to do.
Being a Monday and feeling like a bit of a geek, I decided to sit outside Condon for the last time. If I did not see Who Boy, I would stop sitting out there, though it is a pleasant people-watching spot. And Moni stopped off to chat again and has agreed to help me re-dye my hair, because it's all washed out now. And so I didn't see him and I felt all good and closure-y for all that I was intensely disappointed not to spot him. Moni and I finished talking and went to our respective classes at 10 til noon (me having admitted to sitting in that spot in hopes of catching a glimpse of Who Boy and maybe finding an opportunity to speak to him... something less passive than I normally would do) and I headed down toward central campus and Friendly Hall.
And now I don't know what to do with myself, how my deal is resolved, because who was walking up the other side of 13th street toward Chapman and Condon? Who Boy. Mother of god. Where does this put me? More and more I think the fates take some kind of perverse pleasure in singling me out to torment. I'm fucking Tantalous. I see this guy in class, think, whoa, cool--a Who fan. Talk to him (read: ramble about Pete's arrest, suggest he rent Tommy, leave) and develop odd crush. Then he vanishes for like, six months. Don't see him, occasionally think of him because I rarely meet big Who fans in real life (apart from Brilliant Shakespeare Prof) and... that's it. I kept an eye out for him, because hey, you never know. I had not passed into the realm of the unhealthy. Not too far, anyway. And then the first day of class has to come and I have to see him twice on that day but not again until today, when I had just given up.
What the fuck is that? "Oh well, guess I'll never see/talk to him again.... Whoops, there he is."
I suppose this means I do kind of backhandedly believe in fate. I make requests of it, certainly, but I don't actively believe in a diety. I've ever been a vague mixture of various religious theories for all that I rejected my Catholic upbringing very fast indeed. (For all that I won't go to church anymore, I think I'm pretty nice about it now--I did find a Guadalupe candle for my mom, who is very into hispanic culture for reasons unknown to me--She used to work for Farmworkers United and met Cesar Chavez a couple of times in college.) I don't lack spirituality, just nothing has appealed to me enough for me to take it up. Christianity of any sort is a no go--too much bad mixed in with whatever good there is. But I am influenced by things I read sometimes.
Okay, enough. I've got to go eat because this is my lunch break, I've just been in such a flutter over what to do. I mean, I can take it as torture or as "Oh, don't give up... look, here he is, you were just in the wrong place."
::edit:: E* thinks that it's fate toying with me and generally enjoying seeing me suffer.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
