i can't explain
06.23.03 @ 2:13 p.m.
I'm very upset. I just had a shouting match with my dad, who will not believe me when I say I dread the stupid little outings to fetch employment applications not because I'm lazy, but because I honestly hate dealing with people. That I'm paralyzingly shy, that there's really nothing scarier to me than people. He keeps saying he's seen me handle myself just fine in social situations. No he fucking hasn't, and even if I can comport myself okay, I'm still frozen up inside with terror.
How dare he presume to know what goes on inside me? HOW FUCKING DARE HE? Does he not see that I've not gained any remotely close friends since high school, with the exception of E*? And even then, I had to live with her. We would never have gotten to know each other if that hadn't been the case.
He isn't around me at school, where I'm sad and lonely but I just lock up and seem silent and aloof. It's not my goddamn choice. People in high school thought I was arrogant because I didn't talk. I don't have the skill of talking easily with people I don't know. Maybe that's my own fault because as I descended into all my fears, I didn't make the effort to reach out.
It's childish, but I don't want to talk to him.
"You're just BS-ing yourself. I don't believe you." Fucker! I hate you! How can you presume to say such a thing? You're not around me! You talk about me 'connecting' with my professors. You only hear my enthusiasm for something accomplished, not the amount of time I spent circling the third floor of the PLC building trying to work up the courage to speak. I casually mention there was a boy I spoke to about Tommy, not the three months of hopelessly watching him in class before I got desperate and realized time was running out.
How he can think he knows me better than I know myself is beyond me. He knows nothing about me, NOTHING. It's probably sad that the people who know me best seem to be the people I communicate with online because the social phobia slips away in writing. Somehow I can be the witty, semi-vivacious person I want to be without fear coming down on me like a blanket. Maybe because... I don't know. Somehow the people on the other end are unreal, judgement doesn't come swiftly and immediately, I can't see faces and can't fear disapproval or contempt appearing in them. Rachel and I got to know each other for a year online before we met, and then we got along splendedly because we were already close.
I can't explain it. Not at all. Just that I'm so quiet and reserved and serious in person with people I don't know well.
It hurts that I'm not believed the one time I honestly express these fears. That bastard. What does he think that does to me? Does he think his fucking little platatudes about getting out and trying are going to banish a long held fear?
If he even tries to fucking 'fix' me... This goes along with all his personality analysis that he's so fond of. He refuses to believe that I'm not him. Unlike him, I don't have a small number of friends because I have contempt for the rest of the world, but that I don't feel good enough to make new friends. I lack confidence. He doesn't know me, not at all.
I'm still furious, which means I'm crying like crazy. I hate myself for it. He doesn't deserve tears, but I think I'm crying more in self pity than hurt, not that it's any better that way.
I suppose I should shower, clean myself up if I'm going to be dragged hither and yon to get job applications.
I'm really starting to think I need serious therapy. And that scares me a little, but I so desperately want to be free of all these hangups.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
