hypocracy will be the death of me
05.16.03 @ 12:32 p.m.
I really want to go get something to eat, but I think I need to wait until it's not so blantantly obvious that I've been crying. I want to write about it now, but I think I'll just start again. I'm very weak in that respect; anger, frustration, things like that make me cry really easily. I'll cry because I'm hurt, not because I'm sad. And I'm angry that someone could hurt me.
After all my ranting lately, I'm still upset by Amy IMing me telling me how excited she is that everyone is getting together tonight to go to this drag show.
Except me. She didn't fucking bother to even tell me about it. She seemed confused when I told her this was the second time she's done this to me, so clearly she doesn't remember last year when she IM'd me all happy about how nice it was that Martha and Cindy had visited that weekend and what a great time they all had. Fuck. (You can see how upset I am, my vocabulary has narrowed down to "fuck" and very little else. I've already deleted a few times when I wanted it as an adjective.) Why would you tell someone you DIDN'T INVITE about how much fun you had without them? I don't think I can attribute it to deliberate cruelty, but shit, that's just mean. I'm reserved, yeah, but I do have feelings. And I don't have many friends, she should realized that the friends I do have are that much more precious to me. Well, that's jumping to conclusions about her ability to read people, but I'm so unhappy and lonely just in general lately, that this was like getting hit.
I'm missing my friends, I'm putting myself in a bad place by mooning over someone I can't have, and then I get Miss Chipper telling me she's so excited about how much fucking fun they will be having, and oh, we didn't think of you. Being so mousy and withdrawn, I think getting overlooked hurts more than if it were a deliberate slight. If she did it on purpose, I could get angry at her. But all I get here is to feel hurt and alone. Bastards.
I'm such a mess right now. I hate that I'm crying, and I hate more that I'm crying and E* is in the room, though ostensibly asleep, and I hate that I've had all all this high tension all week and I have to deal with feeling like none of my friends like me right now too. I want to have an emotional collapse, but I have no one to offer me any comfort in this situation. I'd bitch to Martha about it, but I don't know if I want her to see how much it hurts me to get cut out. I wish I could be cavalier and just shake it off, but these are my dearest friends. How could they just forget about me like that?
I need to go calm down now, but I'll probably end up crying again later. The hypocracy of it is that Amy would probably be hurt if she knew about us feeling she's a poser (and she does seem to have some hint of how we've been feeling) and seems to be a little miffed that I don't talk to her much. I'm probably guilty of worse things than she is by being so frustrated with her and being condescending and all. I do wonder what Martha says about me to Andrew or Cindy. And maybe I'm a hypocrite because what really upsets me is the lost opportunity to see Martha and Andrew. I like being with the two of them. Cindy I could take or leave, and Amy and I seem to be in mild conflict now.
*sigh* This time when I say I'm going to go I'm actually going to go.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
