two for one
03.13.03 @ 8:48 a.m.
Yesterday:
This is getting written in TextEdit, the OS X version of notepad sort of programs because Andrew is moving the servers right now. Seems like a silly time to do this, it's 5:30 Pacific time.
I'm debating with myself on whether or not to go work out tonight. It's a warm day and lugging my butt back and forth from the library (and probably the heaps of stress the end of this term is dumping on me) made me sweaty already. I think I should go work out because I'm really stressed out over many things, including the fact that tomorrow is it as far as Nick is concerned. I won't be heartbroken, like I've said before, but I'll end up mad at myself. I should be making an effort to get to know people in general, I don't like the idea of my first attempt failing. I could go on, kicking myself for not getting to know him earlier, but that's not helpful at all and does nothing to stop the fucking twitch my eye has developed (it does that when I get stressed) or the simmering nervous energy that's occupying my body. I hate how uptight I'm getting about all this when rationally, it's not that big a deal to me. I'm very good at blowing things all out of proportion.
I guess I've pretty well resolved to go. I don't know what music to take with me, because my ears are feeling traumatized by a lot of loud headphone use in the last few days and I hate to abuse them further, but ugh, not listening to anything while exercising is not a good idea for me. I'm sure I'll just take my workout CD like I have the last two times. What makes me hesitant to go is the fact that I'm hungry, just a little, but hungry none the less. Weird, though. I get physically hungry but there is absolutely nothing I want to eat. Everything sounds revolting. I go through periods like this, where I eat because I know I have to and I'm physically hungry, but the very idea of food makes me sick.
I'm one screwed up human being.
I have tons of studying to do. I have to catch up and review all the stuff from Rock History and go over my presentation for Italian. Ugggggh. I am very unhappy and very stressed out. Not like depressed unhappy, though, more like numb unhappy. Not feeling much of anything, emotion wise. I also feel really tired and I don't know why. Noisy bastards in my hall kept waking me up last night and I napped for three hours today, and so maybe a weird schedule is to blame. My mouth tastes like I've been sleeping but I haven't, not for the last five hours. Well, if I'm gonna go, I should go now so I can get back in time to eat dinner before they shut down hot food at G&G (I should probably stop eating there, actually. Mmm, a grilled pesto sandwich doesn't sound too bad, actually. Maybe I'll do that now and go work out after I've eaten and digested a little...?)
Today:
Fuck.
I think that about says it all, and you can probably infer what actions (or lack thereof) I managed to take with Nick/Who Boy.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
