here by the sea and sand nothing ever goes as planned
03.11.03 @ 12:04 p.m.
Well, I fucked up my opportunity with Nick. There is still ONE MORE class left, thought that's when we have our test. He waved and smiled at me this morning on the way into class, but no opportunities to talk arose. I looked at him a lot. I'm probably a very creepy girl. This actually doesn't bother me much considering how nervous I got, and maybe part of the reason it doesn't bother me is that I made a conscious effort to shove him out of my mind all weekend. Or at least I didn't feel anything until about a half an hour ago, when I just felt really bad... depressed. Mostly for the course of my Italian class. I enjoy the catharsis of crying sometimes and I would cry now if my roommate weren't here. But I've decided that the last thing I'm going to do is talk about Nick with her because a) she has no useful life experience to help me and b) she'll be determined to be 'helpful' anyway which just ends up with me pissed of at her for meddling in my life.
I wonder if he's shy like me. He speaks quietly, and sometimes when I saw him today he looked, well, shy.
Okay, where did all that self-confidence I had before go?
(No sympathy on this, please--I wish I hadn't talked to so many people about him, because now everyone's going to be all "Aww, I'm sorry, that's too bad" etc. and that'll just make me feel bad about something that right now doesn't bother me too much.)
It was almost ominous that I woke up this morning from a really bad dream. What makes a dream bad for me is the surprisingly violent content. It was really horrible, my dad and this guy were beating the shit out of each other, and I kept trying to get my mom to leave because I knew that this was some kind of distraction, some attempt to get Mom and I to go with this other guy, who was going to 'dispose' of us. It was scary. What else is weird is that my dad was using my toothbrush to hurt this guy and I didn't believe they were really fighting, so I was sarcastically egging them on. I woke up after my dog got hurt in the dream. It was so horrible.
It's funny that media representations of violence don't bother me at all, but the most disturbing thing my mind can come up with is frustrated violence. Other bad dreams include me having to hit people or kill something and I'm really weak in the dreams and it's frustrating to the extreme...
God, I just feel lousy today. But let's look on the bright side:
-Nick waved to me and smiled today.
-I saw him get out of his car, so I know what that looks like.
-I have One. Last. Chance.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
