until it's time for you to go
10.13.02 @ 8:00 p.m.
I have been very apathetic lately. Friday was pretty good. Hung out with Amy and Moni and all and that was fun enough. It's just that the last two days have been almost cripplingly lonely. I don't know why. It didn't bother me that I was not becoming fast friends with the other girls here--I'm not really inclined to, the more I learn of them. I feel like such an arrogant ass saying that, but I don't know what my 'type' of friend is anymore. It doesn't help that I'm retreating into reclusivity again. (Just writing this is making me want to cry, which is odd because I haven't wanted to cry up until now.) Another thing that probably doesn't help is that I suddenly feel cut off from Rachel and Jessica and most of my really good online friends. I think I'm throwing myself deeper into the Monkeeland community to overcompensate. Maybe that was some wall I had to break through to become close to these other girls and I've done that now, but still, Rach is so busy all the time and while I have been able to create elaborate plots in my mind, I haven't really been able to write much. Not that I wrote much fanfic over the summer, either. I mean, most of the Mattie storyline was written here at school. Emma Doland is growing by leaps and bounds when I can actually be bothered to write on it. I tried to work on it last week by hauling myself and my laptop to the student union (where I work best for some reason) but by the time I was done reviewing the 10 or so pages of the story it was getting dark and I don't like campus at night, in all honesty. I'm a coward but there's good reason not to scamper around campus alone at night (at least for girls) and... I don't have any friends.
I'll make a couple of resolutions, but I don't know how likely I am to keep them. One is to go to the music Open Mic night on Friday. The other is to get down to it and start exercising at the rec. Yoga's all well and good and I should be practicing more, but I should do *some* cardio. I'm gaining weight, I just know it. I am not happy with myself and I'm eating more and more. I've been not buying any sugary things, though. Bad enough I consumed the cookies Mom gave me. The only sugary stuff I've bought for probably a week is the York Peppermint Pattie I just ate. E* made some comment yesterday about me having nice skin despite eating horrible things all the time. Yeah, that really made me feel good. Put that on top of the fact that I have to buy new jeans (and hope I can find some that aren't superlow or some other atrocity thrust upon me by fashion) because my favorite jeans have developed a rather embarassingly placed hole.
On a happier note, my wall is really starting to look like my wall now. I've put up a bunch of my Monkees, Beatles, and Mamas and Papas pics (no Hendrix yet) and I printed off some pictures of my family and friends from graduation. I've also got the pic of me and Rachel and me an' Mort an' Belle from the second KBOO show.
I took a very lovely nap for about an hour this afternoon and I probably would have slept for hours if I let myself. I wasn't really asleep, just halfway... enough to let my mind run away with itself by constructing new plot elements for the Austen story. Amazing how fanfic can give structure to daydreams. That's why there are a dozen ways for Rowen to meet Mike and I haven't written a one of them because I just can't choose between them. I also can't come up with a reasonable source of animosity between Mattie and her rival, Amani apart from Amani being spiteful, jealous, and arrogant. And I'm going to add a Caroline Bingly type character to my Jane Austen based story. I'm borrowing a bit from Persuasion there, I think, by making her an early widow like the revolting Mrs. Clay. I think I might read Persuasion again. At first I couldn't get through it, but once I really started to read it, I decided it's just about the most romantic of Jane's works. Oh..... I just remembered her and Wentworth and now I really must read it again. I started Northanger Abbey but I don't want to re-experience all Catherine Morland's mortification again in her treatment of the Tilneys. I've gone all literary on y'all. Sorry.
You know, I feel much cheerier. Maybe my late depression has been from not exercising my usual catharsis in diaryland. It's an interesting idea.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
