ennui

07.09.02 @ 9:14 p.m.

I am now certaint that I am going to grow up to write mediocre Regency Romances.

Why, I pretend that I hear you ask? Because I know you'll never ask? Because no one cares? Because, humongous geek that I am, I've spent ALL DAY, literally all day reading fanfic at pemberly.com. It's all stuff based off P&P, which is my favorite Austen work. And not just because I'm in love with Colin Firth. I rather like to think of myself in Elizabeth's place anyway.

Because I like to write, or at least dream up storylines. But they're not that good, even though I'd like them to be. My writing itself is very good in a technical way. That's one of the reasons I'm studying journalism. I'm good at analytical things.

I've realized something in the last few days. I cannot create something out of nothing, even though I'm incredibly good at reproducing things. I can mimic accents. I can melody lines of songs fairly quickly without seeing the music. And I can draw well because I can copy what I see. But I have a hard time producing something new or arranging things artistically. And that's a little depressing, since I've always thought of myself as creative. But lately, I don't think so. I have technical skill all over the place, not to consciously sound egotistical. But if the creative spark was ever there, I'm beginning to think it's gone.

That makes me sound more depressed and forlorn than I really am. I'm not bad off, I've just been thinking a lot lately. I have nothing else to do. I'm still unemployed, though thankfully, my mother has stopped harassing me about that. I've done some yard work and I did some painting in the kitchen. I'm not being completely useless, but I'm not doing anything with my life.

Now I'm depressing myself, so I'll go before I go any further down paths that I'd rather avoid.

<< � >>

Previously

fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05