i pity any girl who isn't me tonight
06.19.02 @ 10:53 p.m.
I'm feeling pretty this evening. I'm wearing a tight charcoal grey shirt that I haven't worn in a while just because it is rather clingy. It also has a bit of a low neck. Around the house I'm wearing this red silk scarf tied around my neck a la Daphne in the original Scooby Doo cartoons. Bizarrely enough, I got a little ego boost from the fact that someone in the Barnes & Noble/Starbucks parking lot whistled when I got out of the car. (Even if it wasn't for me, I'll pretend.) I mean, I don't really like being whistled at, but it does make me feel like I'm not so much the blah, plain girl.
Plus I spent some time in front of a mirror today. I was taking down a bunch of my old paintings off the wall of my 'study'--another room that I appropriated and filled with my crap--and I preened a bit in front of this antique vanity mirror. I mean, it's probably an antique. But it's in bad shape and my mom wants to throw it away. I dunno, I just felt good this evening.
Another time I have felt particularly pretty:
Prom. Now, I don't mean to say that this is the ONLY other time I felt pretty, just one that stands out in memory. There's an uncaptioned picture of me in last year's yearbook that I think Andrew must have taken. He's the only person I pose like that for.
I wonder about something... My mom is totally proud of her Irish heritage and all, but most of the time she acts... well, like she really wants to be hispanic. This strikes me as terribly odd in an area that's pretty damn racist toward hispanics. Seriously, though. My mother used to work for Farmworkers United with Ceasar Chavez. She reads lots of books by hispanic authors. She's getting her English as a Second Language teaching certification. I have no idea what spurred this, but it's been like this since, oh, the mid-1970s I would imagine. She carries all this "Catholic guilt" as my dad calls it. She's always having to work, she takes on more than she really should and she never takes any time for herself. It's really ridiculous. It's like some compulsion. I think it eats her up to have a daughter like me. She's a devout Catholic, for all intents and purposes, I'm an atheist. She's driven to do all she can, I'm the laziest ass you can imagine. And yet, we're both really messy. She's such a hypocrite, always telling me to clean up, but I can't use my own fucking couch because it's covered with boxes of her paperwork and, for some strange reason, child car seats. It's maddening. She has so much stuff and she doesn't ever do anything with it. Yeah, I have a lot of stuff from when I was a child, but still, that's mostly because she forced me to clean my room by loading stuff into boxes, using the idea that I'd eventually empty them one box at a time. Ha ha ha. There are boxes in there that have got to be 10 years old. At least. Once, in like, the sixth grade, my dad went in and sorted everything into piles. Some of those piles remained for a long time. Heh. I'm kind of proud of my absolute slovenliness. I think that it was a kind of low key rebellion against my parents. Like, the only way I can rebel is this stupid passive agressive sort of thing. The more people nag me, the less inclined I am to do something until I'm actively fighting against it. I'm getting to that point with my job search. I'm avoiding the issue partly because my mom is on my case 24/7. I can't handle that. I could do just fine on my own, maybe I'd delay a little because I don't really want to work, but now I'm really working to undermine the process, refusing to get applications to places for ridiculous reasons. I want her as annoyed as I am, maybe. I don't really know.
Okay, that's enough for tonight. I might do more scanning tonight since I have the scanner hooked up, but probably not. I'm lazy.
Oh, and I had a maybe-kind-of idea. I was thinking about the writers of Monkee fanfic, and I started half considering a public diaryland diary for Monkeefic. Who knows. I'll give it more consideration.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
