elementary, my dear diaryland
06.11.02 @ 10:57 p.m.
Sonofabitch, this stupid bowl gets really really hot when I try to make EasyMac. How pathetic is my life if I'm sitting in my room at 11, eating EasyMac? Alone, I might add, not that it really makes much difference. I've suddenly hit depression mode. I feel a little queasy, too. And now my dad is all "Let's pick up some applications [to work at Blockbuster, Regal Cinemas, pretty much anywhere] on the way home this Thursday?" WHAT THE FUCK? After two finals, this man wants me to IMMEDIATELY get a job? I don't even get a FUCKING WEEKEND? Okay, so I'm a bit depressed and being totally irrational, but hey... if you can't be irrational, well, what fun is that?
I have a teensy suspicion. Anyone fool enough to regularly read ol' DailyNightly will know that E* was on the phone for a really long damn time the other day. Possibly yesterday. I have a really bad memory of time. Anyway. I met one Mr. O* today [O* being the one on the other end of the phone] while trudging, sweaty, flushed and wearing a near empty backpack (which doesn't seem like much, but it makes your back sweat even more) from the bus stop. I had just made a fruitless trip to The Computer Store, which is an Apple-only store found in Portland, Beaverton, and Eugene looking for a laptop case. The one I like? Gone. Fucking gone. There's an ugly orange one, a too-vibrant cobalt blue one, and a too-plain black one. I want my greeny-grey cement colored laptop case goddamn it. Anyway. I had sold my books, hurrah, except for 3. I was wandering, pleasantly dazed by the excessive heat and the sun beating down on my hapless and sunscreenless face, and I hear... "Hey Ellen!" Ungh. E*. Didn't feel like talking. Felt like getting rid of the last few stupid textbooks I'd been lugging around all afternoon. Still, I was nice (I'm always nice and then I carp and bitch about having to be nice when I really felt like being bitchy and mean. And since these are my true colors, I come out looking like the bitch in my writing. Sorry, I'm rehashing through issues that came up with the Moni story... Anyway) I made small talk. Oh, hi, you're O*, nice to meet you, BYE. My god, I am really rambling. Probably because I'm lethargic and spacy right now and I don't know why. I think I need to see if I can buy a coke from the basement vending machine.
So where was I going with this? Well, I got back to the dorm room and O* was there sorting through all the philosophy books E* had tossed in a suitcase to take when she goes off with her annoying aunt for the beginning part of summer. He stayed forEVER, talking about professers and philosophers and "Uncle Mark," who just happens to be the head of the philosophy department, I believe. He taught my Phil 101 class last fall, and he's a really funny guy. I like him. He reminds me of Steve Martin. So where is E* now? At a movie with O*, of course. They went to see Insomnia. Now, E* gets really fucking pissed when I see a movie without her. But I don't get the same respect. Not that I want it. That's probably why... I don't make a huge uproar because I don't really care. And I don't want it to sound like I'm upset that they didn't invite me (can you say "third wheel"?) I just wish she wouldn't go all crazy on me if I go see something she wanted to see. Ridiculous. Anyway. So I think this is a bit of a date, whether or not E* realizes it. I won't be surprised if they end up together. She goes on about how she really wants to "help O*" with... I don't know, social stuff, I think. That he has trouble expressing himself, which I seriously doubt. But I don't think a girl with a sometimes shaky grasp of English who can't write an argumentative paper to save her life is going to be much help.
I don't want to sound resentful, but I guess I am a little. I'm jealous. I don't want to be, but I am. I need to break out of my rut. I need... I don't know. But I'm getting more depressed. I just want to go home more than anything else in the world. I don't want to deal with E*, I don't want to deal with crazy-ass phone calls from her aunt, who, despite having never met me, insists that I come visit her even when I evade her by saying "I have to get a job to pay for school." "Oh, you can get a job easy in California." "Uh, I guess." I want to stay near my family and friends you psycho. STOP ASKING ME! Ugh. I know, I bitch and bitch, but I give off the impression that I, you know, care or something. It's mostly if not all my fault. I bottle things up.
Fuck it all. I have a paper I should work on and I want some chocolate or something. Can I go down to the basement and buy junkfood without getting self conscious? Time will tell. Damn, I can't do anything without fearing that someone will think I look stupid. ENOUGH. I need to stop writing before I get any more whiningly introspective in my weird, random depression.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
