are you pondering what i'm pondering?
05.04.02 @ 12:35 a.m.
It's late, it's hard to type in this position, and I've been reading Quoted for ages, but I just thought of something I'd kind of like to ponder. Lots of things, really. And hell, it's Friday. I have nothing pressing to do and nothing even vaguely resembling a social life, so I'll give it a go.
So I found out from my Shakespeare teacher (actually, from the New Folger Library edition of a Midsummer Night's Dream, but he assigned it) that people who committed suicide in Elizabethan times were buried at crossroads. Why, I wonder. Not cemeteries because that's holy ground and suicide was a big bad sin in Elizabethan times. I guess it still is, depending on your religious and national identity. I have never ever in my life considered suicide as any kind of viable option. I guess that my opinion is that it's giving up or something, and while I am not adverse to giving up on many things, I've never been through anything so bad that cessation of life is preferable. God, this is depressing, and I don't even feel morbid, just thoughtful in a tired kind of way. My eyes just ache. And it's not like I've used them more than usual today. If anything, I've probably been on the computer for less than the usual amount of time today. Well, I can't be sure if I count in the DVD watching.
Back to Quoted, I want to be witty like that. Really I do. People say really funny things, and I used to be pretty funny when I wasn't trying, but not so much anymore. Probably because I say very little as I don't really have any friends here. That makes me sound really pathetic, but I do have a few very good friends who happen to live elsewhere. It's just that I have let my shyness and stupidity in social situations and my general 'loner' personality keep me from making any friends. I don't have the drive to get out there and meet people. It seems like too much work to meet the preps I don't want to talk to anyway. I avoid the suburban preps I went to high school with when I see them on campus. I think I see panic behind their eyes when they sort of recognize me and don't remember my name, fear that I'll approach them. No fear, I don't remember most of their names either. Why would I? I was not in that social circle. I don't want to be in that social circle now. It's shallow.
I get updates on these people from Amy. She tells me that Kate is supposedly a big whore now, that Mac has maybe come out after squealing like the piggy he is that one time he saw Matt Damon at Starbucks. Apparently most of the people I was aquainted with took the opportunities offered to them by college life and became beer swillers and whores. Bravo. You're parents may not know, but the grapevine does and thanks you for feeding it with the rich manure of your lives. I don't even care about these people, but hell, it doesn't hurt to listen. Sometimes it's even amusing. I think some of my problems stem from my feeling above all the poser shit that people go through, and that makes me look arrogant when really, I'm mostly just shy. I don't know what the hell I'm saying and odds are I'm terrified of you, of looking like an idiot.
Speaking of feeling like an idiot around people, Garrett seems to have disappeared. I guess he went back to California... that's the only reasonable thing I can think of that would explain why I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since before Spring Break. Which is a shame, 'cause he's hot as all get-out. I had such a major crush on him, not only because he was sexy as hell, witty at times, and had fantastic hair, but for the love of Mike's hat, HE WAS A MUSICIAN. Okay, he didn't like to sing, but he was in a band and played guitar. That multiplies the sexy quotient by a thousand, being a good musician, especially with a guitar. I don't think I'd have had such an infatuation with this guy I pretty much never talked to if he played the saxaphone or the clarinet or the viola. I miss him. Like I said, I've only really talked to him once or twice, but I miss sneaking peeks at him in class and having dreams where he's pursuing me and falling out of my chair when he walks by the window. (Yes, I actually did fall out of my chair one day when he walked by. Luckily, my roommate was elsewhere or I would have died from embarassment. And that would be just TRAGIC.
Damn, I should write at one in the morning more often. I'm just so prolific right now, and maybe I'd be more so if my laptop didn't have a tendency to slow roast my left hand and my lap but not my right hand. The heat doesn't bug me so much as the imbalance. One hand is sweaty and the other is not. This is not right. This should not be. All or nothing, baby, that's what I say. It doesn't matter, though, 'cause my computer can't hear me say "All or nothing, baby" or if it did, it chooses to ignore me. The little bastard. Heh heh. Okay, now I'm just going for crazy talk as I get more and more sleepy. The last two nights I was up until two, which kind of fucked me over for the mornings, as you can read in the previous entry. Go me. However, midterms are mostly done, except that I should have started a pair of research papers last week and didn't, and I'll have to get together with my Shakespeare group to pick and practice a part from Henry V AND do a decent job that doesn't look like complete crap compared with the groups who have already gone and had props and costumes and fabulous things. I myself am deeply jealous. It's gonna be hard learning a big-ass load of lines, I think. But I'm not sure, I mean, I've never tried. In elementary school, I did not get to be in the big deal production of Phantom of the Music Room, at least not as an actor. No, I was fucking lighting director, and I never let anyone see that it hurt me to be not picked. My job was to flick switches. No big deal, no real skill needed. They even broke the lead role into two parts to accomodate two girls, both of whom were really prissy. Okay, one of them was my friend but that doesn't excuse anything. She's not my friend now. I'm a little surpised that we were friends then, now that I think back on it.
I think I'm keeping my roommate awake with all my high speed typing, so I guess I'd better go to bed.
PS-I just wrote my title for this entry and realized that I really really miss the show Pinky and the Brain. That show rocked. I guess I'll have to see if it's on Cartoon Network or something.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
