what am i doin' hangin' 'round?
05.04.02 @ 5:57 p.m.
For a day that seemed to start off rather well, I'm really lethargic and bored. I was really hyper this morning, listening to the first two Monkees albums and just generally feeling good. I suppose my day might have been fun if I hadn't spent it alone and if I hadn't constantly seen groups of friends and couples having a good time everywhere. I don't have anybody here to hang out with, and that really really sucks. I've been feeling really lonely and left out lately and I hate it so much. And I don't know how to fix it. But enough of the constants that are always depressing me.
I took the bus all over Eugene today, trying to entertain myself and force myself to get out of the fucking room, to get myself off campus. So I spent a lot of time today on various buses reading a book. Hurrah. Anyway, I intended to go to Goodwill and see about that record. Not there. Agonized for a long time over sandals that I didn't end up buying. Forgot about the pretty green bottle that I actually intended to buy. Also, in the course of trying to GET to Goodwill, I missed the stop and went all the way to Valley River Center, the mall. Well FUCK. Wandered around VRC long enough to see that Hot Topic still did not carry the Rolling Stones shirt that I want nor did I see the cool belt buckles I saw last time. I'm getting sick of my blue camo belt which is the only belt I have that actually works.
Anyway. I don't have enough meal points for a whole actual meal, so I think I'll go to Subway (to counter the effects of two days of Burger King, which means double cheese burgers and mozzerella sticks. Is the Burger King here the last one in the world to still carry those? None of the ones in Hillsboro do. Bugger) for dinner. That would sound better if I were more hungry, but what the hell. I can refridgerate the sandwich if I don't want to eat it all, and what the hell, I will get a foot long sandwich. You know, it's shit like this that's probably making me fat. That and my fear of going to the Rec Center to work out because I think I'll do something stupid and wrong and embarass the hell out of myself. Because I know that's what will happen. Even if I make a minor mistake, I'll feel like an ass for the rest of the day. God, I have very little self esteem some days, don't I? It's funny, because when it gets down to it, I don't mind being a bit overweight that much, and I like being super eclectic in my tastes. What I don't like is my lack of style and fears of everything. Sometimes I think I have Social Anxiety Disorder or something. I'm afraid to do anything in front of people. Probably doesn't help when I make an ass of myself by doing poorly like I did in Comparative Lit last Wednesday.
Boy, this is one hell of a self depricating entry today, and I'm not going to subject myself to more self doubt. So, I'm going to go and I'm going to get a sandwich and maybe I'll get a DVD or something. SO THERE. Maybe my day will get good again. Or maybe I'll hole up in my room with food, the Monkees, and SNL tonight. It really doesn't matter.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
