le notti bianche
04.30.02 @ 6:20 p.m.
I feel like a junkie--I couldn't get into diaryland and I felt even worse than I'm already feeling because I couldn't get my cathartic fix. It's a stupid analogy, but... I can't do any better right now.
I feel really lousy. I have to prepare for a presentation tomorrow for Comparative Lit, the teacher changed the play I'm presenting at the last minute (not that it should matter since I didn't have anything ready when she switched on me), my stomach still hurts (I'm pretty generally feeling out of whack physically), and I'm worried sick over the stupid computer. On an intellectual level, I know it's better to wait until tomorrow to get ahold of it because I'll have a hard time getting my work done anyway, what with Frontier Home on tonight. But on every other level I want my toy now (GODS I am selfish. I'm ashamed to think about it.) and I'm nervous. I know it's here, the Fedex site tells me it was delivered this morning. I mean, it was on campus before I got back from my first class, and that was 7 hours ago. I'm freaking out unreasonably and I'm trying so hard to hide it because I'm ashamed of myself for wanting to freak out. It's just a stupid computer, you know? Even now I'm avoiding my homework, which is so bad. But I want to lay down and cry, for a couple of reasons.
A) I'm all nervous and worried and generally unsettled and unhappy with my life at this second.
B) I just got back from film class about an hour ago, where I developed a crush on Marcello Mastroianni and watched him get his heart broken in the first film we've watched with him that doesn't involve him being an insincere dog. The ending was so sad. I feel so sorry for him. I mean, it's not a mad crush, but I rather liked him in this. So add that to my roiling mass of bad feelings.
All in all, I pretty much feel like shit right now. I'm so mad at myself for having to hold back tears all the time. I need to learn a little more self control, I think. I don't know, I don't know anything except that I don't like the way I'm feeling right now. I want it to stop. I want my stomach to stop hurting, I want to stop waiting for the computer, I just want to be NORMAL. As if that were possible.
Oh, and I'm also feeling fucking guilty and stupid about having that iMood thing there. When I was more chipper, it seemed cute. Now it still seems cute, but in a revolting way. I may have to remove it. Maybe when I'm more rational. Though that seems like it'll be a long way off. *sigh*
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
