indecision
04.22.02 @ 11:55 a.m.
I don't know why I am the way I am. I'm so conflicted right now. I can't make a fucking decision on my own. My parents decided I could spend a tremendous hunk of my money on a new iBook, especially since there was this good deal at the University bookstore. Well, of course, they ran out. Yep. There aren't any left, so I don't get a spanking new computer. But then, checking online reveals pretty much the same deal, but about $50 more plus shipping. Worth it, no? But I'll have to call my parents first because I can't take initiative, no, no, no. Still, I'm wary of spending money without express permission. It may be my life, but I'm not ready to do things on my own yet.
I want to cry right now and I hate myself for it, because there's no good reason for me to cry like an idiot right now. It's just a computer, and it's very possible that I'll just order it instead of taking one home right now. I can wait 3-7 business days, you know? But disappointment sucks and I'm not good at handling it. It might look like I handle things well because I keep everything so bottled up all the time, and then things happen like suddenly bursting in to tears while picking out a Christmas tree to everyone's confusion, including my own. Apparently I come off aloof and superior, and I don't want that. I want friends, and I don't have that many here at school. My friends from high school are scattered to the winds, and my only friend here is my roommate.
She'll be back soon, so I need to get in control of myself, I need to not look like I've been crying because I can't deal with sympathy or questions right now. It won't help, it'll just make me feel bad for crying over something stupid. And I even expected it, so I hate myself even more because it shouldn't make me this upset. I spent so much time in nervous anticipation, too. That might be part of it. Let down after all that buildup.
I'm just so frustrated with myself. Why am I so messed up? I'm paralyzingly shy and it kills me. I want to be a million things I'm not. But that's the teenage condition, isn't it? By age 19 you'd think I'd be past that, but I guess I'm a little behind in my emotional and social growth. More social than anything else. I'm so used to being a solitary person, I have a hard time making friends. There are cool people here that I really like, but I kind of doubt they consider me "friend."
But maybe I'm too hard on myself. Who knows.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
