bitch and moan
05.05.02 @ 10:24 p.m.
I'm getting really worried about E*. This is all because I'm a gigantic snoop. But whatever. She's been talking a lot about emotional stuff, about being depressed and worried that she doesn't 'feel' things like she should. We talked the other day about people who had died. And earlier, I peeked at her IMs with her friend. She wrote some things that are nagging at me a little. It's nearly 10:30 and she's not back from wherever she went hours ago. I think she left sometime between 8 and 8:30. She's been really depressed lately.
I just don't know what to think about her. She had the worst taste in movies, partly because nine times out of ten, in my opinion, she has no fucking idea what the message is. (Forgive me, but I fear my genuine worry is going to turn into a frustrated diatribe.) I just cannot believe this girl. She thinks that Help! is a deeper movie than A Hard Day's Night, which is something I can only believe if she's from MARS. She likes the movie "Reality Bites" which I thought was a crime against the film industry. She asked me didn't I identify with the characters? No, I am not a whiney gen-Xer going through a morass of angst torn between the dirty stoner slacker freeloader and the uptight yuppie. Nor do I think I will ever find myself in this position. Okay, yeah, I don't like Ethan Hawke at all. But MY GOD, that movie was dreadful. And she loves it, she loves this fucking abomination of a movie so much that she watched it something like three times. And then she has the absolute gall to find "East of Eden," a story by STEINBECK, for gods' sake, a bad movie... "the story wasn't that good." But at least she seemed to vaguely understand James Dean. "East of Eden" is just about my favorite movie of all time.
I just don't understand this girl. I shouldn't be so angry about it. It's small minded of me to let things like that bother me. She's so maddening some times, and I just don't want to put up with some of her depressing shit. Everytime it's beautiful outside, she complains that the weather is depressing and hopes that it'll get cloudy again. THANK YOU, NO. I'd much rather have everyone's Seasonal Affective Disorder wearing off. I don't want to hear it anymore. I don't care if I'm mean, narrow minded, or selfish in expressing this. I think that it's partly because I haven't gone home in a while, which means I haven't really had a break from her or school and so I'm irritable. My god, how am I going to survive next year. I'm not sure anymore that I want to continue to be her roommate. I hope against hope that I find someone next year to live with, someone I get along with and can get an apartment with or something. I want some independence. I envy Andrew and Amy and Paige, all moving in together. They've got a house and everything. I wish wish wish they went to school here instead of way up in Corvallis. Amy comes to visit and that's nice, but I'm again feeling alone and rather friendless. Next year I will make an effort to be more open and available, if I can remember this resolution. I will leave the door open when I'm just hanging out. Heck, I can still do that this year. I'm not close to Leah or Krista, and it hurts a little when I see or hear them hanging out together.
Well, it's 11 and she's back. Apparently she went to work out. I guess that ends the diatribe.
On another note, I went to Carson for dinner. I'm hungry again now, but the food was really good. I did have frozen yogurt and a third of a mug of hot chocolate, naughty me. I also had roast turkey (YUM!) and mashed potatoes, cheese ravioli with alfredo sauce, some salad (not as much as I should have had, but the lettuce was browning, yuck) and cottage cheese. And milk instead of Pepsi, go me. I think I'll go for lunch tomorrow and have a turkey sandwich. I don't know why, but I felt so much more cheered up by eating at Carson. I don't know if it was good food or reflective college experience or what, but I just felt... good as I strolled back to my dorm in the gathering dusk. I spent most of my time trying to read and eat at the same time, and I did wander around uncertainly while I ate my frozen yogurt cone, which is when I decided to have the hot chocolate. I felt full at the time, but now I wish I had lingered a little longer, musing over a good book (is the image ruined by it being an X-Wing book? Wedge's Gamble, for all you literary Star Wars types) and drinking hot chocolate out of one of those cafeteria white mugs. Even though I was having another day of feeling like I look horrible, I felt like... a calm little center, a picture of reflective peace. Something serene. I can't explain it, and now my roommate is wreaking havoc on my remembered serenity. Just as well. I do need to do some studying before I let myself be dragged into a new week. WHY ME? I need a break so very badly. I need to be away from this place, I need the touchstone of my old life and all that is familiar and comforting to the point that I can just relax and not care about ANYTHING. I can snuggle up to my mom and my dog and watch Britcoms or something. Or I can sit at my kitchen table with a stack of newspapers and watch TV until 11 at night and not care. I miss home and I miss the dogs and I miss everything that melts away the stress of this place, and I'm away from it for longer than usual. I want to go home so much that it almost hurts.
On a final note, I noticed a tremendously cute thing. I was just playing with a calculator on my computer, and it has a long list of constants, like the speed of light. One of those constants is the Ultimate Answer: 42. Oh, I miss Douglas Adams. Humor is such a vital componant to the galaxy.
Previously
fuck it @ 08.01.05
fanciful imaginary sea voyages to come @ 07.20.05
*dies* @ 07.19.05
more ootp @ 07.17.05
harry potter: driving our children into devil worship @ 07.17.05
